Santa Rosa Therapist: How can I help my friend or family member stuck in a toxic relationship?
As a Santa Rosa therapist providing therapy to families and individuals for over ten years, I have met with plenty of people stuck in toxic relationships.
It’s completely heartbreaking to see our loved ones get involved in relationships that are unhealthy and damaging. It might be your adult child, a close friend, colleague, or neighbor that you worry about. Even with our best of intentions, sometimes our efforts to help our loved one are not effective or appropriate.
Unless you’re a therapist clinically trained to address these types of relational dynamics, you probably won’t be able to resolve the issues on your own. But there are things you can do to support your loved one. Here are some of my top tips to support a loved one stuck in a toxic relationship, from the perspective of a licensed therapist based in Santa Rosa.
Santa Rosa Therapist Tip #1: Be patient and listen
I know it can be tempting to respond in a curt and direct manner such as, "just break up with them” or "just leave!” Or you might be compelled to tell your friend or family member, "You could do so much better than her!” or “There's plenty of fish in the sea.”
It can be tempting to jump in immediately with direct feedback when a friend discloses relationship problems. Your feedback will be more seriously considered if you first ask them clarifying questions about their situation and validate their feelings. Sometimes our loved ones want genuine support, not advice.
This feedback given to our loved ones may be completely sincere but falls on deaf ears if someone is already entangled into a complicated dynamic that has kept them within this painful relationship.
Just telling the person to leave the relationships without comprehensively addressing the underlying root of the issue keeping them in this relationship in the first place will make your advice unhelpful and might even push them away. (*Hint hint, this is the work of a trained therapist! Learn more about how I help as a Santa Rosa therapist)
It takes a lot of patience to support your loved one without giving unsolicited advice, but you risk your friend or family member shutting down and possibly deciding you're no longer a safe person to discuss these concerns with.
You're better off providing a compassionate listening ear. Even the most basic communication skills of empathetic listening and validation of their feelings can make a huge difference in helping your loved one realize they are not alone in this. They might even begin feeling more comfortable sharing with you about what is going on behind closed doors.
It's very common for someone in a toxic relationship to feel embarrassed or even ashamed of the unhealthy relational dynamics and situations that are occurring in their relationship. So don't underestimate the power of providing a safe place for them to discuss these issues and eventually encouraging them to seek professional help when they are ready to.
Santa Rosa Therapist Tip #2: Don’t Pressure Them
Trained therapists can assist people who need the support and expertise to leave a toxic dynamic. In some cases, this involves creating a safety plan to address a person’s potential emotional and physical safety during the vulnerable time of leaving the relationship.
Be careful to not pressure a person in the midst of a toxic relationship to leave the relationship abruptly without a plan or before they are ready to.
This could result in a dangerous situation if they are a victim of abuse in this relationship. You may not think this is a physically abusive dynamic, but due to the nature of toxic relationships, if it has become abusive, you might not know even if you are very close with this individual.
Leaving the relationship without a comprehensive safety plan (for both emotional and physical safety) and working through potential emotional issues, can often result in a situation where the person returns to the toxic relationship or could even lead to a risk to their physical or emotional safety. It's tough as a friend or family member to sit back and watch the toxic dynamic play out without being able to intervene directly, but you should be aware and consider the risks of doing so.
What you can do is to offer them a safe place when a situation occurs within their relationship in which they feel emotionally overwhelmed or physically unsafe. This might be as simple as saying, “I just want you to know you can always stop by my house if you need a safe place to be. No questions asked.” or, “I worry about you, but I know you will make the right decisions for yourself. If you need any help or support, please don’t hesitant to ask.”
Santa Rosa Therapist Tip #3: Set boundaries
These are intense and difficult situations to hear about and witness, even if you are not the one in the toxic relationship. You might need to set boundaries for yourself in regard to your involvement with your loved one in the toxic dynamic.
If possible, having a social network of support for the individual in the toxic relationship can be helpful. It takes the pressure off of you being the sole person that your loved one confides in.
It's not uncommon that we might ourselves become triggered by hearing the stories of this unhealthy and toxic relationship that send us into our own emotional turmoil. Or we might be asked to do things that we feel uncomfortable doing that further accommodate the toxicity in the relationship. For instance, helping to hide the toxicity from others, keeping secrets, or becoming triangulated into the toxic relationship yourself.
It's normal to have feelings of guilt about setting this boundary with your loved one, but it's okay to do so and actually might help encourage that loved one to seek support for a trained professional. If after setting some boundaries and doing your own self-care, you still feel upset and ruminating about your friend or family member, it might be time to consider therapy for yourself as well.
You might also consider what you are willing to discuss with your friend/family member, and what and when you are not in a place to hear about the specifics.
Your friend or loved one might be too overwhelmed to research therapy for themselves, so this is a great way to offer them tangible support.
Here’s an example of something you might say, “I want you to know I really care about you and love you. I want to be there for you as your friend, and I am beginning to realize that hearing these stories of how your husband yells at you, is becoming too emotionally upsetting to me. I want to continue our chats together and love going to our yoga classes together, but I need to ask that we don’t go into specifics of your fights with your husband when we talk. I would love to help get you connected with a trained therapist to really help support you during this tough time. And I will still be here for you as your friend regardless. Would you allow me to help you find the right support?"
If they take you up on your offer to get them connected with professional support, you then must decide what level of support you are willing (and able) to give. It might just be helping them search for therapists online and make some phone calls to therapists, giving them a list of community resources, or even maybe helping with some financial support to fund their therapy if you are financially able to do so.
Even just small acts of support can help reduce the barriers for your friend or loved one to take the next small step towards getting the professional help that they need.
In Sonoma County, there are some great resources including:
YWCA 24/7 Domestic Violence Hotline: (707) 546-1234
Family Justice Center of Sonoma County: (707) 565-8255
Legal Aide of Sonoma County: (707) 542-1290
Therapist for Toxic Relationships in Santa Rosa and online in California
I can also be a resource to you or your loved one as a Santa Rosa therapist specializing in toxic relationships. Feel free to reach out to me on my contact page for more information how I can help you or a loved one in Santa Rosa for in-office therapy, or in California for online therapy.
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Relationships
Angela Sitka, LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a practice in Santa Rosa, CA specializing in toxic relationships, breakup recovery and divorce counseling.