Am I a People-Pleaser? Therapist’s 3 Question to Find Out
How do therapists define people-pleasing?
While a certain level of agreeableness is required to build healthy relationships, we also have to have a strong sense of self that helps us navigate our boundaries, needs, and requests of others.
People pleasers lose this sense of self and hold a belief system that if they do not meet everyone else's needs, they won't be valued, loved, or cared for anymore. It then becomes difficult for the people-pleaser to shift into new ways of interacting with others, as the relationships they have formed have been built on this giver-taker dynamic.
While people-pleasers might identify with the terms as being easy-going, adaptable, or helpful, it crosses the line of people-pleasing when we start a pattern of behavior that compromises our values, goals, dreams, and morals to meet the needs of others over our own. You may even start losing touch with your preferences, likes, and dislikes when you become so focused on adapting to the needs and desires of others.
What questions can I ask myself to find out if I’m a people-pleaser?
1) Do you feel angry, resentful, or irritated after saying "yes" to the requests of others when you really want to say "no"?
2) Do you worry about being perceived as needy, difficult, or attention-seeking if you state your needs, emotions, or opinions to others?
3) Do you often feel stuck or trapped in situations due to your fear of conflict, or disappointing others?
When answering these questions, look for the patterns of your behavior rather than the occasional incident of people-pleasing. There are times when people pleasing is not only appropriate but healthy, depending on the nature of the relationship.
But when it becomes your go-to strategy within your relationships, and there is a rigidity in your relationships that doesn’t allow for you to show other parts of yourself, this is when the red flags for people-pleasing become dysfunctional and start causing problems. Often times people with these people-pleasing tendencies find themselves in toxic relationships.
How can I stop being a people pleaser?
1) Begin with small requests.
We might have lofty goals to eventually be able to tell people our more vulnerable thoughts and feelings, but if you are a people-pleaser try starting small. Make a small request or preference to test the waters. Tell someone which type of food you prefer for a dinner out or what movie you'd prefer to see.
If you decide to begin working on reducing your people-pleasing tendencies, be prepared there might be some people in your life to will express resistance to this change. But stick with it and over time it will become easier to establish a better balance in your relationships.
2) Practice being decisive.
People-pleasers are often out of the habit of making decisions for themselves and rely on others to tell them what decisions to make. Because this is a skill that has not been utilized regularly, you have to start building it up again, just like if you haven't worked out in a while, you can't be expected to lift heavy weights right off the bat. In daily activities, find opportunities to express an opinion or preference.
3) Tell people about your intention to change.
You will likely surprise people when you start speaking up for yourself and saying "no" when you have always been known to always say "yes." Sometimes it can be helpful to tell people about your goal to change your ways and why you are changing. It helps prepare the people in your life to expect this new behavior from you and also encourages your loved ones to cheer you on and keep you accountable for this change.
Looking for help with people-pleasing in Santa Rosa or online in California?
Angela Sitka, LMFT, licensed therapist in Santa Rosa, CA
I hope this blog has helped give you some clarity if you are questioning your tendency to people-please in your relationships and some direction on how to start doing something different.
I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation for potential new clients. We get to chat to see if it might be a good fit for you without any pressure or expectations.
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Rosa, CA but provide therapy virtually to individuals all over California.
I take a different therapeutic approach based on a therapy modality called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
I help get you unstuck, deal with the anxiety, anger, and overwhelm, and take steps forward toward a life you can feel good about.