Why Can't I Stop Thinking About Someone? Effective Strategies to Stop Obsessing
Feeling like you can't get someone out of your mind? Obsessing over someone can be emotionally draining and can prevent you from moving forward in life. This is something I commonly see with my clients as a psychotherapist in Santa Rosa who specializes in relationship anxiety.
This article will give you a deeper understanding of the psychology behind obsession and provide you with the tools to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts and find inner peace broken down into 3 parts.
Part 1: The psychology behind obsession
The qualities of a person we might become obsessed with usually falls into one of these categories:
Unavailable: not single, married, still connected with an ex, etc.
Uninterested: they broke up with us, or showed that they don’t want a relationship/friendship through either their words or actions
Unattainable: celebrities, public figures, gurus, incarcerated persons, etc.
Emotionally unavailable: a lack of emotional intelligence, empathy, and emotional attunement
Some people may find it easier to establish strong feelings for people who are not completely available for a relationship.
There is something usually deeper below the surface if you are finding yourself connecting with an unavailable person in such a passionate manner.
This can also apply to people who tend to connect deeply with individuals in which the logistics of their situation make it impossible to be together (connecting with people who are incarcerated, some long-distance situations, workplace/schools where relationships that are prohibited through HR policies, professional ethics, or law).
The Fantasy of Obsession
We tend to get stuck on these types of people when we create a fantasy image of what the relationship could be- when we dream about the potential of a beautiful connection, and we develop expectations or possibilities of what that individual could be and our future together.
This is distinct from connecting with who the person really is, in the present moment.
Make no mistake, connecting deeply with another person is not a sign of weakness or interpersonal deficiency. It is a strength as a human that we can form such strong bonds with one another.
But like any strength, skill, or aptitude we possess, we must use it with careful consideration. We must be careful to protect our hearts and make sure we connect to people who are safe and add value to our lives (as opposed to anxiety, insecurity, frustration, or confusion).
Long-term this type of unhealthy connection could lead to lower self-esteem, confidence, and self-respect.
If you find yourself in a pattern of getting involved with unavailable people, there is something usually deeper below the surface that is causing you to connect with unavailable people in such a passionate manner.
It’s important to address these underlying issues of the past so that you can establish a healthy relationship in the future.
Part 2: Signs of unhealthy obsession
Closing yourself off to new connections
Are you holding off on pursuing other potential connections with the hope that eventually your person of interest will finally be available to you?
When was the last time you were open to connecting with an available person? This includes going on dates, having conversations with new people, and allowing friends and family to know you are open to connecting with new people.
Putting a pause on your life to wait around for an uninterested person to become available and interested in a relationship with you could be harmful to you emotionally.
Excuses and Rationalization
Do you make excuses or try to rationalize the reasons the relationship as not evolved into something serious? (“He is just sabotaging our connection because it’s so strong, and he is afraid of getting hurt”)
Do you use these excuses/rationalizations as reason to continue waiting for the perfect time when you can be together finally? (“I know he is just going through a hard time and that is why he is so absent from my life recently”)
Do you mentally bookmark evidence of interest from your love interest that occurred many months or years ago? Do you have any recent evidence that there is real potential for a relationship? (“Last summer he used to call me every day and tell me he wanted to be with me.”)
Minimizing, Ignoring, or Invalidating the lack of interest
Is this person telling you through their actions or words that they are not willing, able or not interested to have a relationship with you?
What are the recent actions, statements, or lack thereof from your love interest are you minimizing, ignoring, or invalidating in order to keep your hope the connection is still there?
Part 3: Strategies to stop obsessing over someone
1) Challenge your fantasy image
When we are stuck ruminating about an unrequited love it’s often because we are not yet ready to let go of our dreams, fantasies, and expectations of what our future was going to be like with this person.
Try taking a more critical look at the beautiful vision you’ve created in your mind.
You might try asking yourself, “What does this individual bring to my life currently that supports this fantasy and what do they show me that opposes this image?”
For instance, the supporting evidence might be: When I am with John, I feel like I am the only person in the room, he makes me feel so important and special.
Against: However, when our visits are over, I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t respond to my outreach attempts and is unreliable. He doesn’t refer to me as his girlfriend.
Now take that together, and consider, does this fit your image of a fantasy husband or partner?
It can be tempting to try to use evidence and memories from the past in order to bolster your hopes that the relationship is something that it isn’t. (“he/she used to be ….. they used to do…. “) You can still have positive memories with them, and still hold the reality that it is no longer a viable situation for a true relationship that meets your needs.
2) Let go of the cherished memories & refocus on yourself
When you have strong feelings for someone, it’s normal to find yourself researching, exploring, and cherishing all things your person of focus is interested in. Sometimes this can feel like a way for us to stay connected to them, even if the connection remains superficial.
For instance, you continue to go to their favorite band’s concerts with the hope they might be there. You hold onto sentimental items of times you spent together or things they gave you, like wearing their old t-shirts, or keeping a movie ticket from a past date in your wallet. You still watch their favorite NFL team’s football games every Sunday even though you have no interest in the sport.
It’s great to show interest in someone’s life, passions, and hobbies, however, once we are presented with the reality that this person isn’t interested in a reciprocal relationship, it is time to refocus on ourselves. Part of that is letting go of these cherished items, memory reminders, and efforts made for potential reconnections.
Try asking yourself, what brings you joy? Getting back in touch with what brings you joy and excitement in your life is important to move on.
A bonus is that when we lead happy, full lives, this tends to attract the right people into our lives.
3) Allow yourself to release your emotions
Sometimes our feelings about this person are so strong that we need to grieve the loss of this fantasy relationship you created in your mind. This could be sadness, but also anger and frustration that this seemingly perfect connection was sabotaged or disrupted from reaching its full potential.
For some people, this might be allowing one night of uncontained tears, destroying reminders of the fantasy life (burning old pictures, deleting social media reminders, erasing old phone numbers), or writing down your unfiltered feelings in a journal.
Don’t judge yourself for how strong your emotions are about this rejection.
Your ability to connect with people so strongly can be a strength!
Now it is just about finding the right person who can truly appreciate all you have to offer in a relationship.
Next Steps: Seeking professional help if needed
It’s worth considering therapy or counseling to explore what might be blocking you from establishing more reciprocal connections with people that really add value and meaning into your life, rather than the shallow nature of unrequited love.
If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, there might be factors interfering with the process of breakup recovery that may not be obvious to you, but a therapist could help you identify and heal from.
Angela Sitka, LMFT, is a licensed therapist with a private practice in Santa Rosa specializing in individual therapy for women struggling in relationship anxiety, breakups, divorce recovery, men’s issues and life transitions.
Get connected with counseling in Santa Rosa & Online in CA
If you are struggling in a one-sided relationship, unrequited love or just trying to get over a breakup, I am here to help.
Sometimes it takes the help of a clinical therapist to help stop thinking about someone if you feel it is interrupting and interfering with your daily life. Learn how I help as a therapist based in Santa Rosa, CA specializing in therapy for individual adults with relationship stress.
This is my passion and I am here to help with online counseling offered to anyone residing in California and in-person counseling for Sonoma County.
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