Why Can't I Stop Thinking About Someone? Effective Strategies to Stop Obsessing
Many clients come to my therapy practice in Santa Rosa desperate for help with their obsessions about a particular person.
Understanding why the brain tends towards preoccupation with someone can be the key to “unhooking” our obsessive thoughts from dragging us down.
This comprehensive guide is broken into 3 parts:
Part 1: The psychology behind obsession
Ever wonder why your brain never turns off, the endless cycle of over analysis and overthinking about someone?
Misinterpreting Strong Feelings as Signs
Many people misinterpret strong emotions and intrusive thoughts about someone as a signal that the connection is meaningful, special, or worth pursuing. Even when red flags or obstacles are clear to everyone around you, our minds don’t want to accept these realities.
Why Your Brain Goes Into "Fix-It" Mode
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, there is a theory that our brain has evolved to function like a problem-solving computer. When faced with an unresolved issue involving someone we consider important (whether their significance is real or imagined), our brain kicks into overdrive, analyzing ways to "fix" the situation.
The Overactive Problem-Solving Brain
This overly helpful computer-like function in our brain constantly tries to identify a solution to an undesirable situation. It keeps running all the scenarios, like imagined dialogues we’d like to have with the person, reasons and points to validate our perspectives, and relational strategies to employ, searching for a way to make things work.
What Overanalyzing Thoughts Sound Like:
If I had just said this to them, everything would be different!
I can’t believe they said that about me—what does it mean?
How can I get them to understand my perspective? If they did, everything would change!
If it just went back to how it was in the past, everything would be perfect. How can I make them feel that way again?
What Types of People Do We Get “Stuck” On?
The qualities of a person we might become obsessed with often fall into one of these categories:
Unavailable:
People who are not emotionally or physically accessible, such as:
Already in a relationship (e.g., married or dating someone else)
Still emotionally tied to an ex
Unable to meet our relationship standards and needs for other personal reasons
Uninterested:
People who have shown they do not want a relationship, such as:
Former partners who ended the relationship
Estranged family members
Friends or acquaintances who distance themselves
Unattainable:
People who are out of reach due to circumstances or status, such as:
Celebrities or public figures
Gurus or idols
Individuals in inaccessible situations (e.g., incarcerated persons)
Situations where logistics make a relationship nearly impossible, such as:
Long-distance connections
Relationships prohibited by workplace or school policies, professional ethics, or legal constraints
People with a Perceived Power or Influence:
People in positions of authority or control, such as:
Bosses, managers, teachers, professors, government leaders
Other authority figures we perceive as powerful
Emotionally Unavailable:
Individuals who struggle to connect emotionally, including:
Those with limited emotional intelligence or empathy
People who struggle to provide emotional attunement or support
How External Barriers Fuel Obsession
Further intensifying the stickiness of obsession is when your perception of the relationship’s limitations is due to logistics or external factors.
It makes it harder to move on when you wonder:
If they would just stop listening to their spouse badmouth me, they would realize they no longer want to be estranged from me, or
If they lived closer, we could finally have the time together to build something more, or
If they just knew I existed and got my letters, they would understand I’m different from the rest.
The Fantasy of Obsession
When we are stuck ruminating about a person it’s often because we are not yet ready to let go of our dreams, fantasies, and expectations of what our future could be with this person. We dream about the potential of how a connection with this person would impact our lives.
The Allure of the Fantasy
It can be so enticing to get lost in these visions of what could be. We might fantasize about what life would be like if they could just decide to be on our side, to help us, to accept and love us.
We might believe that if we just love them enough on our end, if we work hard enough, help them enough, then finally our hard work will result in a satisfying relationship with them.
But this is distinct from connecting with who the person really is, in the present moment.
Make no mistake, connecting deeply with another person is not a sign of weakness or interpersonal deficiency. It is a strength as a human that we can form such strong bonds with one another.
But like any strength, skill, or aptitude we possess, we must use it with careful consideration.
The Importance of Healthy, Reciprocal Connections
We must be careful to protect our hearts and make sure we connect to people who are safe and add value to our lives (as opposed to anxiety, insecurity, frustration, or confusion).
Some people may find it easier to establish strong feelings for people who are not completely available for a reciprocal relationship.
There is something usually deeper below the surface if you are finding yourself connecting with an unavailable person in such a passionate manner, such as an attachment wound that led to an insecure, avoidant, or anxious attachment style.
It’s important to address these underlying issues of the past so that you can establish a healthy relationship in the future.
Part 2: The 4 Signs of Unhealthy Obsession
Putting Your Life on Hold
Are you holding off on pursuing other potential connections with the hope that eventually your person of interest will finally be available to you?
What opportunities or experiences have you turned down to keep space in your life for this person?
When was the last time you were open to connecting with an available person? This includes going on dates, having conversations with new people, and allowing friends and family to know you are open to connecting with new people.
Living in Excuses and Rationalizations
Do you make excuses or try to rationalize the reasons the relationship not changed in the way to desire? (“He is just sabotaging our connection because it’s so strong, and he is afraid of getting hurt”)
Do you use these excuses/rationalizations as a reason to continue waiting for the perfect time when you can be together or reconnect? (“I know he is just going through a hard time and that is why he is so absent from my life recently”)
Do you mentally bookmark evidence of interest from your person of interest that occurred many months or years ago? Do you have any recent evidence that there is real potential for a reciprocal relationship? (“Last summer he used to call me every day and tell me he wanted to be with me.”)
Ignoring the Reality of the Relationship
Has this person, through their actions or words, shown that they are unwilling, unable, or uninterested in having a relationship with you?
What recent actions, words, or lack of effort from this person are you overlooking or downplaying to hold onto the hope that the connection still exists?
Unequal Effort: Is the Balance Off
Think about the resources you have already put into this person- your time, money, energy, and things you’ve done to benefit this person- does it match their efforts towards you?
Are your investments in this person of interest taking away from other areas of your life that deserve your time and attention?
Part 3: Strategies to stop obsessing over someone
Break the Fantasy Spell
Try taking a more critical look at the beautiful vision you’ve created in your mind with this person.
You might try asking yourself, “What does this individual bring to my life currently that supports this fantasy and what do they show me that opposes this image?”
It can be tempting to try to use evidence and memories from the past to bolster your hopes that the relationship is something that it isn’t. (“he/she used to be ….. they used to do…. “)
You can still honor and cherish the positive memories you have, and still hold the reality that it is no longer a viable situation for a true relationship that meets your needs.
Release the Relics of the Past
When you have strong feelings for someone, it’s normal to find yourself researching, exploring, and cherishing all things your person of focus is interested in. Sometimes this can feel like a way for us to stay connected to them, even if the connection remains superficial.
For instance, you continue to go to their favorite band’s concerts with the hope they might be there. You hold onto sentimental items of times you spent together or things they gave you, like wearing their old t-shirts, or keeping a movie ticket from a past date in your wallet. You still watch their favorite NFL team’s football games every Sunday even though you have no interest in the sport.
It’s great to show interest in someone’s life, passions, and hobbies, however, once we are presented with the reality that this person isn’t interested in a reciprocal relationship, it is time to refocus on ourselves. Part of that is letting go of these cherished items, memory reminders, and efforts made for potential reconnections.
Take Ownership of Your Healing
You might share with those close to you about your intention to try to move on to help keep you accountable in a kind and supportive way. For instance, you might ask a close friend to remind you when you start talking about your person of interest in a repetitive manner and try to change the subject.
If you are saving items that represent possible reconnection, such a old engagement rings, text message exchanges and pictures that you often look at, a physical space reserved for that person- old drawers that used to put their stuff in, leaving empty rooms in case they come back, or even staying in a now undesirable area or job to keep in close proximity to your person- this is the time to make to set yourself up for success, so to speak, in moving on.
Embrace Emotional Release
Sometimes our feelings about this person are so strong that we need to grieve the loss of this fantasy relationship you created in your mind. Emotions could include sadness, but also anger and frustration that this seemingly perfect connection was sabotaged or disrupted from reaching its full potential.
For some people, this might be allowing one night of uncontained tears, destroying reminders of the fantasy life (burning old pictures, deleting social media reminders, erasing old phone numbers), or writing down your unfiltered feelings in a journal.
Don’t judge yourself for how strong your emotions are about this rejection. Your ability to connect with people so strongly can be a strength!
Detach From Intrusive Thoughts
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the concept of “defusion” is when we take a step back from the pull of thoughts and feelings that we find unhelpful. There are many strategies for defusion of unhelpful thoughts and feelings that can be taught through a trained Acceptance and Commitment Therapist, here’s a couple to try:
• Visualize the thoughts and feelings as leaves on a stream, each thought getting placed on a leaf and watching it flow down a stream or river. This is a metaphor for how our thoughts and feelings come and go into our awareness, and we don’t have to stop and focus on any specific thought that comes up.
• Give these thoughts with a common theme a name, as if you were naming a story, for instance, the “If only they understood story” or the “meant to be together love story.” When these thoughts come up, you can recognize and name the story, and decide whether you want to “open the book” so to speak, and engage with the storyline, or decide you can put the book aside for now.
Rebuild Your Life With Intention
Putting a pause on your life to wait around for an uninterested person to become available and interested in a relationship will lead to chronic disappointment and dissatisfaction.
Remind yourself that moving on in your life does not mean you have to close the door on this person or relationship. You may decide to keep open to future connection when circumstances or feelings change, and at the same time decide that your time and energy is better utilized elsewhere for this time-being.
Try asking yourself, what brings you joy? Getting back in touch with what brings you joy and excitement in your life is important to move on.
A bonus is that when we lead happy, full lives, this tends to attract the right people into our lives.
Seek Professional Therapy Guidance if Needed
It’s worth considering therapy or counseling to explore what might be blocking you from establishing more reciprocal connections with people that add value and meaning to your life, rather than the shallow nature of relational obsession.
Angela Sitka, LMFT, is a licensed therapist with a private practice in Santa Rosa specializing in individual psychotherapy, including specialties: relationship anxiety, men’s self-esteem, men’s anger/conflict management, men’s relationship skills, breakups, and divorce recovery.
Looking for more help? Santa Rosa Therapist & Therapy Online in CA
If you are struggling with obsession over a person due to breakups, relationship anxiety/attachment, or just generally confused about this connection, I am here to help.
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