Money Secrets in Marriage? Santa Rosa Therapist Explains
Money secrets can manifest in a number of ways within relationships: minimizing money problems to our partner, gaslighting, distracting or avoiding the topic, covering up evidence of debts/credit card statements and bills, and sometimes even lying.
The next logical question is, but why do we do this? Shouldn’t we feel comfortable talking to our significant partner about this important topic? And how can we begin the conversation about finances if we typically avoid or fight about this topic?
Finances are emotional
Sometimes financial dishonesty is an unconscious protective type of coping to avoid experiencing strong emotions we might have about money.
Money tends to be an emotionally sensitive topic because we often hold narratives and beliefs about money that are deep-rooted and connected to our childhoods.
Money may have been a source of deep insecurity in your earliest years if your family did not have enough to support your basic needs, or it may have been a source of intense conflict and emotions between your caregivers. In these cases, money can represent financial insecurity, and trigger a flight-or-fight response in some people.
For some, money was a representation of love, such as parents giving their children material things instead of quality time. OR maybe it was not discussed at all and seen as a taboo subject to talk about. It makes sense that money brings up so many feelings, memories, and rigid belief systems.
When we make financial mistakes, bad decisions, or neglect our finances in general, our tendency is to feel shameful. We might tell ourselves messages like, “I should have known better” or “This happened because I am bad/stupid /unworthy” or “I’m just not smart enough to handle my money.”
If we feel shameful about money, rooted in beliefs that there is something wrong with who we are, it is understandable we would want to hide this part of ourselves from our partner.
How can I begin the conversation about finances with my partner?
1) Start small
Try opening a discussion by asking for your partner’s advice about a small financial decision to test the waters. See how your partner reacts to a conversation about money, especially if this has been a topic you haven’t discussed before or has been a topic that has led to conflicts.
For example, “I am thinking about buying a new computer, and would love your opinion on how to decide the right amount to spend, would you help me?” This framing works well because we are asking for our partner’s feedback in a manner that demonstrates their opinion is valuable to us, which often can lower the defensive reactions from a partner about the money subject.
2) Be curious
Ask open-ended questions of your partner’s opinions and thoughts about money before jumping in to express your own opinion, or correcting what you deem are their incorrect assumptions or beliefs.
You could try by starting with questions about how your partner’s family of origin handled money to get a better sense of how they may have arrived at their current attitudes about money:
“How was money talked about in your family growing up?”
“What do you remember about money as a child?”
Questions about how your partner thinks about money can also start opening up the door to discussions:
“How do you decide about making big purchases?”
“Do you think money and happiness are correlated? Why or why not?”
3) Share first
Be the one to share a bit of vulnerability first by talking about some of your own insecurities, beliefs and feelings about money to your partner. This works because exposing a bit of emotional vulnerability is an open invitation for our partner to reciprocate, and therefore build connection and intimacy on this topic.
For example, “I’ve always second-guessed and over-analyzed my financial decisions because I never felt like I was competent with money. I’ve been working on this with learning more about finances, but I know anxiety is still my go-to reaction to making big purchases.”
Remember, money is a resource we can utilize in our partnerships to either bring about more connection, meaning, and memories to our relationship, or can foster deep insecurities, distrust and powerlessness. The more you can understand, empathize and have compassion for our financial shortcomings (and our partner’s), we can build a strong foundation for the relationship and your finances to thrive.
Money secrets causing problems in your relationships? Get connected with a therapist in Santa Rosa & online therapy
If you’d like to figure out why money seems to be a source of conflict, strong emotion, or avoidance in your relationships, I can help.
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice based in Santa Rosa, CA but provide therapy virtually to individuals all over California.
I take a different therapeutic approach based on a therapy modality called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
I help get you unstuck, deal with the anxiety, anger and overwhelm, and take steps forward towards a life you can feel good about.
Contact me to schedule a free consultation so we can chat about what’s going on and how I can help.
Angela Sitka, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Santa Rosa, CA