I’m a Breakup Therapist, Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Move On
As a therapist working with my clients going through breakups, separations and divorce, one common (and understandable) misconception is that the timeline for breakup recovery should be proportional to the length and seriousness of a relationship, but this isn’t always true.
The truth is, the timelines for breakup recovery are highly variable, but I do find the following questions can explain why my clients are taking a longer length of time to recover from the breakup, separation or divorce.
1) How intertwined was your life with your ex?
I find a more reliable factor for breakup recovery timeline is how intertwined the couple’s lives were within the relationship (living together, sharing a household, being business partners, combined finances, child care responsibilities, etc.)
When multiple areas of your life are impacted by the relationship ending, it may take more time to get grounded into a new normal for you.
2) Who initiated the breakup?
Sometimes the person initiating the ending of a relationship has begun mentally preparing for the separation while still in the relationship. This might include visualizing life without their partner, preparing logistically for the separation, and informing friends and family about the impending separation.
If the breakup initiator had this prep time while still in the relationship, they may find themselves quicker to jump into their new single life, but not always.
If you are blindsided by the breakup, you might need additional time to process the shock of the abrupt breakup, which may follow the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
If this was an unhappy relationship that you anticipated would end, you may feel relief and acceptance, but for those who did envision their futures within the relationship may need additional time to accept their new reality.
3) Are you holding onto resentments, grievances or grudges about your ex?
The longer you hold onto your resentments, grievances, and grudges about the breakup, the harder (and more prolonged) the process of healing from your breakup will be.
It doesn’t make the process of breakup recovery any quicker or easier by analyzing the scoreboard of who made more mistakes or who is more to blame for the breakup. If you continue to ruminate about the unfairness of the breakup or how you were wronged, you block yourself from truly moving on.
It might be a sign you need additional support through counseling or therapy if you cannot seem to let go of this type of thinking.
4) Are you continuing the communication with your ex to find “closure”?
Having a breakup conversation in which you are able to express your feelings, ask questions, and decide together how you want to uncouple can be extremely helpful in the healing process.
The mistake people often make is extending these conversations over days, weeks, months, with the idea that they need additional “closure” to move on.
Multiple closure conversations can sometimes be masking a desire to keep the connection with your ex, and this may extend the process of recovery.
It’s like re-opening an old wound every time you engage in a new closure conversation with an ex-partner.
You may not be able to avoid such communications with an ex (such as if your lives are intertwined with shared housing, children, pets, etc.) but try to go into these conversations with a clear intention rather than rehashing old problems.
5) How are you coping with all the emotions that come up during the grieving process?
Individuals who allow the grieving process of a breakup to unfold without trying to numb or distract from their emotions are usually the individuals who move on from the breakup the quickest and with their well-being most intact.
Breakup recovery tends to be full of strong emotions including the anger, sadness, and resentment. At times the emotions that come up after a breakup can feel conflicting and confusing, which can be difficult to make sense of.
For example, missing your ex and at the same time being angry with their actions that led to the breakup: “How could I possibly miss my ex when I also hate them for cheating on me?” Your brain is trying to make sense of all the different emotions that arise, and often takes time to reconcile all these emotions.
Rather than viewing the breakup as a personal failure, individuals who fully recover from breakups acknowledge their feelings, reach out for support when they need it, demonstrate self-compassion, and realign their lives with the things that bring them joy and a sense of purpose.
Get Support from a Breakups and Divorce Therapist
If you, or a loved one is struggling with a difficult breakup, separation, divorce or other major relationship disruption, there is help.
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice based in Santa Rosa, CA providing therapy to individuals all over California, virtually and in-person.
I take a different therapeutic approach to recover from breakups, based on a therapy modality called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
I help get you unstuck, deal with the anxiety, anger and overwhelm, and take steps forward in your new life.
Angela Sitka, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Santa Rosa, CA