Relationship Sabotage? According to a Sonoma County Therapist
I was recently quoted in an article about relationship sabotage in BestLife online magazine to provide a therapist perspective on this phenomenon. I wanted to give my expanded thoughts on this topic that is often asked about and sometimes misunderstood.
Relationship sabotage is a pop psychology (non-clinical) term to describe the pattern of behaviors people consciously or unconsciously engage with to reduce, or move away from, emotional intimacy within a relationship. This can lead to the relationship being damaged in a manner that could result in major conflicts, broken trust, or even breakups.
But why would anyone do this?
Relationship sabotage is a common strategy used when we act in ways to avoid the risk of getting hurt by another, and do not have other relational skills to manage this fear. When it becomes our go-to strategy for coping with vulnerability in relationships, it can be a sign of a deeper-rooted attachment style issue.
People with avoidant attachment styles are most likely to exhibit ongoing and persistent patterns of "relationship sabotage," in their emerging relationships, however all types of insecure attachment styles might engage in these behaviors. This is because an avoidant attachment is marked by tendencies to back away when the relationship gets uncomfortably close for them.
This behavior often occurs unconsciously, and therefore the person may not be able to pinpoint how their behavior in the relationship is a defense mechanism for perceived imminent emotional pain. (e.i. I will hurt you before you can hurt me).
This is in contrast with someone with a secure attachment style, who will recognize a relationship as a safe place to be open, honest and vulnerable with their feelings in building a deeper connection with their partner.
When does this most commonly occur?
Relationship sabotage is more likely to occur when the internal or external markers of relationship deepening or becoming more serious is recognized by the individual. Some examples are: when the couple begins discussions of exclusivity, or defining their relationship status, meeting each other's friends and families, spending more time at one another's homes, discussions of their shared future, etc.
What are common warning signs of relationship sabotage?
testing boundaries (showing up late, not returning calls, insults/criticisms)
picking fights
avoidance of communication about serious topics
sudden and unexpected breakups
minimizing or gaslighting a partner's feelings or expressions of needs
What can you do if you suspect your partner is sabotaging the relationship?
While you cannot heal nor change your partner's attachment style that might lead to relationship sabotaging behaviors, you can respond in ways that demonstrate you are a safe person to communicate with; that you will not reject nor ignore their feelings.
Try a basic communication skill of using "I" statements to decrease your partner's defensiveness when inquiring about the intent of their relationship sabotaging behaviors.
Instead of, "you are doing this..." or "you are making me feel.."
Try, "I've noticed you've been texting me back less frequently than you did before. Sometimes I don't hear from you for days. I feel a bit insecure about not hearing from you as much, and I'm curious to know your thoughts about what has led to this change in our communication?"
Be open and curious about their behaviors towards you, but keep it clear and concise. Open the door for them to communicate their feelings to you, but don't press the issue if they aren't ready to share, this will only push them away more.
Clearly communicate your expectations and what behaviors you would like from your partner, "It would really make me feel cared for and happy if you texted me back in the mornings."
Lastly, know when to walk away if your needs are not being met in this relationship dynamic. Regardless of the root issues and causes for your partner’s lack of ability to meet your needs in the relationship, it can be emotionally damaging for you to continue to put yourself in a place of emotional vulnerability if your partner is not longer a safe person to do this with.
Therapy for help with Relationship Sabotage
When you are facing relationship issues and aren’t sure how to navigate forward, I’m here to help.
I specialize in working with individual adults dealing with all types of relationship turmoil.
Contact me for a free phone consult to see if therapy could be helpful for you.
Angela Sitka, LMFT is a therapist with a private practice based out of Santa Rosa, CA. She specializes in working with individual adults facing relationship turmoil, including toxic relationships, breakups, divorce and family estrangement.