3 Ways to Use Self-Compassion After a Breakup- Tips from a Therapist

After a difficult breakup or divorce, it’s normal to seek ways to cope with our negative thoughts about our newly single status. As a therapist with a private practice in Sonoma County, I specialize in working with these individuals to cope with the pain and move forward in their lives.

Why self-compassion?

Rather than trying to ignore or distract from the disturbing thoughts, try self-compassion. According to Kirstin Neff, PhD, the leading research expert on self-compassion,

“Self-compassion entails being kind and understanding toward oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical; perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as isolating; and holding painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than over-identifying with them.” [1]

Research indicates that people who rate high on scales of self-compassion are associated with lower levels of mental health symptoms, including anxiety and depression. [2]

Here’s how we can utilize Neff’s research on self-compassion to combat our negative, toxic thoughts about our new relationship status:

1)     Acknowledge that this is a time of suffering for you.

Ignoring, avoiding, or distracting from your feelings after a relationship ends does not work as a long-term strategy. If you have difficulty recognizing and identifying your emotions, consider working with a therapist.

Acknowledging the feelings doesn’t mean you have to dive deep into the self-loathing negative internal dialogue. It’s common to make judgements about ourselves for having certain emotions, and what emotions we think we should be feeling (or for what length of time we should be feeling them). This is especially true in a vulnerable time, like after a relationship ends.

For instance,

• “I shouldn’t be so angry right now, I was the one to break things off, so I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”

• “I should feel relieved not disappointed or sad right now”

• “Why I am so enraged? I hate this.”

• “I can’t believe I am crying again, what’s wrong with me!”

Emotions are constantly changing, moving in and out of our bodies and minds. I hold the belief that emotions are morally (or value) neutral, there are no “good” nor “bad” emotions. We might have a negative connotation with some emotions based on the behaviors either we or others tend to engage in when experiencing an emotion, such as anger leading to violence, or anxiety leading to isolation, etc.

But struggling against feeling an emotion disrupts this flow, and can make the emotion feel that much more intense.

Name them, say them out loud or write it down in a journal. Tell yourself, “Ok, here is sadness/anger/grief.” Notice it, allow it to be present with you, and then allow it to pass on when it has served its purpose.

This is easier said than done for most people! And why working with a therapist can be such an important part of this healing process.

2)     Recognize you are not the only one suffering (you are not alone!)

Being alone and experiencing loneliness are two different things. Loneliness is a state of mind, oftentimes when we feel isolated in our experiences, our emotions, our pain.

When we are suffering in loneliness, it can be easy to view ourselves as isolated in facing this pain. Particularly, individuals who deal with anxiety and depression are more prone to mentally point out all the people they know in seemingly happy relationships as evidence there is something “wrong” about their state of singleness.

But by comparing ourselves to others and assuming that others are not facing the same suffering that we are, it only increases our emotional pain.

Instead, try recognizing the common humanity of this experience of loneliness. Whether in a relationship or not, we all experience this basic human emotion at one point or another. It might be helpful to acknowledge the statistics of how many single people are out in the world or think about people you admire and have high regard for that had difficult relationship endings.

Take it a step further and do a quick mindfulness practice by closing your eyes and imagine yourself sitting in a room with some of these people. Feel the common understanding, validation, and comfort of being surrounded by people who also experience this emotional pain. When we are no longer alone in the suffering, the suffering becomes less painful.

3)     Comfort yourself as if you were a child.

Kindness is the last piece of the puzzle. It is common when we are deep in our self-loathing after a breakup, divorce, or relationship ending to become punitive with ourselves. This might look like not remembering to eat regularly, withholding sleep, cancelling on the activities that have brought us joy, or abusing alcohol/drugs. These are often signs we need more support.

Ask yourself, how would I comfort a small child suffering in emotional pain?

Would you criticize them? Neglect their needs? Withold activities that brought them joy? Or would try to comfort them?

Sometimes it’s easier to show kindness to ourselves when we envision what we might do to comfort a loved one or small child. Would you wrap them up in a cozy blanket, give them a hug and put on a feel-good movie? Would you make them a warm bubble bath and then read them a book in bed? Serve them their favorite snack and put them in their favorite comfy jammies?

It’s all about self-soothing.

Try thinking of some ideas of how you will show yourself kindness without judgment of what would feel comforting to you.

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Therapy in Santa Rosa, Sonoma County and online in California

When your relationship ends (or is ending), it can be an excruciating emotional pain and you might be wondering how to move forward. When you are ready for extra support from a therapist, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation where we can discuss what is going on and how therapy could help you.

I offer in-person therapy services in my office in Santa Rosa and online therapy for individuals residing in California.

Skip the phone tag and schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation into my online calendar here!

Article References:

[1] Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K. & Rude, S. S. (2007). Self-compassion and its link to adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 139-154.

[2] MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32, 545-552.

Angela Sitka is a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist with private practice based out of Santa Rosa, CA and online throughout state of California. She specializes in individual therapy for women dealing with relationship anxiety, breakups, divorce and toxic relationships.