Do I need therapy after my breakup? 3 Signs According to Santa Rosa Therapist
Very few of us have navigated through our lives without experiencing a significant relationship breakup that rocks our worlds. You might be considering therapy, but how do you know it's time to make the call?
As a licensed therapist in Santa Rosa specializing in helping adults going through relationship breakups, here are the red flags that it is time to seek a therapist for extra support.
1) The way you are coping with the pain is actually making your life worse.
Healing from a breakup is a grief process that takes time. There is no nice way of saying it, it sucks! You might feel the urge for a quick fix to fast-track this breakup process by distracting yourself with emotion-numbing behaviors.
Here are some of the most common ones I see in my therapy practice with adults in Santa Rosa: over-working, excess alcohol/marijuana/drug use, excessive sleep, video gaming and self-isolation.
It can be easy to fall into over-using and abusing substances after a breakup in order to deal with the pain- but this usually is a red flag that it’s time to seek the help of a licensed therapist to get you through this hard time.
On the contrary, sometimes because we feel so numb or emotionless, we find ourselves engaging in stimulating activities or “adrenaline-seeking” in order to feel something again after a heartbreak.
Be mindful of excessive exercise, risky/unsafe sex, drug use, shopping/spending money recklessly, self-harming (such as cutting) or general impulsivity in making major life decisions.
Nothing says newly single like a bright new hair color! Making fun, bold changes in our appearance can be a great (and healthy) way to embrace the change after a breakup.
Sure, changing up your look by getting a dramatic new haircut or redecorating your space with new items that bring you joy can be a great way to mark this new phase of life. But deciding to invest all your money in the newest crypto, or getting a life mantra tattooed on your body might be things you wait on, until you feel more emotionally stable to be sure these are wise decisions that you won’t regret a year or two down the line.
Certainly, everything in moderation is a completely reasonable strategy during this difficult time. But when our primary coping strategy negatively impacts our jobs, relationships with family and friends, physical health, financial stability, and mental wellness, this should be a red flag that you likely need some extra support with a licensed clinical therapist.
2) You instantly find yourself in another serious relationship
It is very common for people fresh out of a serious relationship find themselves jumping into another one. This is the category where I think the term rebound relationships come into play.
Rebound relationships have a negative connotation for a reason: for many people the new relationship is a short-term distraction that ends as quickly as it began.
Yes, it is painful to accept being alone after a breakup, but most of us need that time alone to:
Reflect on the past relationship
Re-establish yourself as an individual separate from your ex
Be purposeful about what you are looking for in your next partnership to be healthy and happy
This process is not skipped by immediately getting into a new relationship, it is just stalled for another time. The unresolved issues from the previous relationship often are reflected into this new partnership which is not fair for you, nor the new person you are dating.
Ask yourself, is this new partnership about filling the “role” of boyfriend or girlfriend in your life (filling a void) because of your fear of being alone?
OR
Are you deciding to begin this new partnership because they have qualities, values, and attributes you admire, respect and they bring out the best in you?
There is no standard time frame of how long this takes, but if you are finding yourself getting deeply serious very quickly with a new partner, it might be time to take a pause and do some reflection with a licensed therapist.
3) You can’t stop thinking about your past relationship and ex-partner
After a breakup it’s totally normal to think A LOT about your ex-partner, why the relationship failed, things you miss, things you’re angry about, how things could have been different.
Yes, life is going to be hard for a while, but it should feel like each day it’s getting just a tad easier to manage your present life, even though some days will be harder than others.
When we are stuck ruminating in our past it’s often because we are not yet ready to let go of our dreams, fantasies and expectations of what our future was going to be like with our partner.
Impulsively texting an ex (and regretting it afterwards) can sometimes be a sign you are struggling finding new ways to feel connected and cared for without your ex-partner, and may need some additional support through therapy.
This can lead to: making outreach attempts to your ex, constantly finding ways to bring them up in unrelated conversations with others, or looking excessively at old photos/social media of your ex.
If you are starting to feel stuck in the upset of your breakup after some time has passed by and if your thoughts about the failed relationship are starting to interfere with your daily life, it might be time to consider therapy.
Some common factors that interfere with recovery from a breakup include unresolved trauma from past relationships or more deep-rooted areas of pain that need to be addressed in therapy before they can fully move on from a relationship in a healthy way. It can be hard to imagine what life will be like without your partner, but with the help of a therapist, you can begin developing what this new life will look like for you.
Get connected with a Breakup Therapist in Santa Rosa and Online in California
Going through a breakup is heart-wrenching. I hope you have found some clarity to know if it’s the right time for you to find a therapist. Breakups are hard enough, so allow yourself the compassion to get extra help from a professional when you most need it.
If you are looking for a therapist in Santa Rosa who is passionate about working with adults through breakups, please contact me for a consultation to get started in counseling.
Want to Learn more about Breakup Recovery Therapy in Sonoma County?
Angela Sitka, LMFT has a private practice based in Santa Rosa, CA and specializes in toxic relationships, breakup recovery and divorce therapy.