Holidays After Divorce: 6 Holiday Hazards and Tips According to a Therapist
Holidays are more than just a day in the calendar for many of us, they hold deep meaning, memories, emotions, and beliefs. This is further highlighted when your new normal of the holidays looks different after a family disruption like divorce.
As a therapist who works with separating, divorcing and divorced people, I think it’s helpful to be aware of common pitfalls of the holiday season on your mental health so you can be prepared and plan for a holiday that doesn’t leave you burned out, isolated, or disappointed.
Holiday Hazard #1: Uncomfortable Emotions
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Loneliness, disappointment, and sadness are universal human emotions, and many of us experience these feelings at times during the holidays. But for some reason, we hold an expectation that we should only experience joy and happiness during the holidays, and other feelings are unwelcome or a sign that something is “wrong” with us.
When we aren’t open to experiencing these feelings, it might lead us overscheduling our time, over-indulging in food, drinking, or engaging in other types of unhealthy coping.
Rather than ignore it or distract yourself from these feelings, what if we allowed space for these feelings as they come up doing the holidays?
It’s ok if you feel sad as you recall past holidays when your family was together, when you were with your ex-partner and your children. It’s ok to feel lonely. This is not a marker or sign that something is wrong, or that you need to “move on” but rather a valid and understandable response to a huge change in your holiday experience.
Therapist Tip:
Acknowledging your feelings doesn’t mean you have to dive deep into the self-loathing negative internal dialogue. You might try a gentle reframe of your negative thoughts about your status during the holidays, so instead of “I’ll be alone forever,” try “I am experiencing loneliness in this season of my life, and I feel sad about it. I know things in life change, but right now this is how I feel.”
By externalizing our feelings (i.e., loneliness and sadness) rather than identifying ourselves in the emotion (i.e. I am alone), we are still being honest, but not self-denigrating. This is a key component in self-compassion, which is associated with lower levels of mental health symptoms, including anxiety and depression
Holiday Hazard #2: Social Media FOMO
Staying up late at night to stage the perfect Elf of the Shelf scene for social media?
There is an aspect as the holiday season that brings out the FOMO attitude in many of us. Knowing there is only a short period of time for us to cram in everything we think we need to do to make the holidays special is a recipe for holiday burnout.
Social media has exasperated these unrealistic expectations of the holidays when we are observing and comparing what other families do during their holidays. You may be more sensitive to this type of social comparison when you are going through a family disruption like divorce and wanting to present a certain image of yourself during the holiday season.
Be wary of engaging in holiday activities for sole purpose of checking off boxes of what you think is expected to do during the holidays so you can take and post pictures.
Are you more excited about posting the picture, video, post of your holiday event, gift, or decorations on social media more than enjoying the present moment?
Think about how you would feel if you did not document the moment. If you still feel excited and joyful about this activity, this is a good marker that you are doing it for the right reasons.
Therapist Tip:
Make a list of the top 3 things that bring you joy during the holidays that you feel you can commit to. Everything else can be a bonus if it happens but allow yourself to not feel guilty for not doing it all.
Holiday Hazard #3: Slacking on Self-Care
The holiday season is typically marked by disruptions in our normal routines which some of us rely on to stabilize our mental health during times of stress. Our sleep schedules change, we are too busy to go to the gym, we indulge in eating, and drinking, while we await the new year to make goals for our health and wellness again.
Self-care can easily become an after-thought when we forget the importance of our routines to maintain a sense of balance and stability, especially in vulnerable times like after recent separations, breakups, and divorce. When we sacrifice our self-care during the holiday season, we miss out on our core needs to maintain stable mental health: adequate sleep, healthy diet, relaxation time, and exercise.
If you are experiencing increased anxiety, depression, irritability, or increased substance use, take note of this change. It may be subtle like noticing yourself having an extra glass of wine or two when your kids are at their dad’s house, or maybe you find yourself with more road rage and quick to temper in situations you usually keep your cool. These are signs you may need to prioritize self-care routines to better manage the stress of the holidays.
Therapist Tip:
Put self-care into your schedule just as you would block off time to attend the holiday party or get together with a friend. If you don’t schedule it, it likely won’t happen naturally when you have “free time.”
Don’t try to squeeze it in when you know you are going to be exhausted from your day, but rather schedule it during a time you know you will likely be able to accomplish it- whether it is taking a walk, making a healthy meal at home, or going to bed early.
And when self-care if not enough, time to consider getting support through therapy.
Hazard #4: Overcompensating with the kids
Nothing wrong with a Christmas puppy, unless it’s an impulsive gift for the children without considering the long-term responsibilities of owning a new pet.
Overspending on Christmas gifts, extravagant holiday vacations and activities for your children might be covering up some uncomfortable feelings after divorce. It’s normal to feel guilty or sad about the impact of divorce on your children, or about the limited time you have with your children during the holiday. It can be easy to go overboard with your efforts to make the holidays extra special for the kids.
Another hazard is falling into a competitive attitude about the holidays, feeling like we are competing with our children’s other parent to create the best memories, best social media posts, best presents, best holiday trips.
Resist the urge to overcompensate with overindulgence with your children during the holidays to fill the hole of your guilt and loneliness. It doesn’t work, and you risk spoiling your children in a manner you might later regret (and set unrealistic expectations for future holidays).
Therapist Tip:
Think about what you want your children to remember about their holidays with you, what values do you want to instill during this time? If you want generosity to be part of their holiday experience, what can you do to exhibit and model that with your children? Maybe participating together in volunteer opportunities, buying gifts for children in need, or donating old clothes and toys to charity. Maybe you want to use some of the free time off from school to engage in some creative projects together, cooking, or exploring a new outdoor activity.
Holiday Hazard #5: Rebound Relationships
Feeling rushed to find someone to bring to the work holiday party, spend New Year’s Eve with and take selfies in front of the Christmas tree with for social media?
You may feel the urgency to get into another relationship quickly during the holidays to have someone to spend this time of the year with. Many of our holiday traditions revolve around being part of a couple or a family unit that is not inclusive of people who find themselves single during this time of the year.
There is nothing wrong with dating and connecting with new people after divorce but notice if you are rushing into a relationship to fill the “role” of having a boyfriend/girlfriend in your life during the holidays.
The reason this is a hazard is because pressure to find a relationship within a short time frame might lead you to overlook some red flags that could cause you more pain during an already emotionally vulnerable time.
Therapist Tip:
Try asking yourself: Are you deciding to begin this new partnership because they have qualities, values, and attributes you admire, respect and they bring out the best in you? Do some journaling and get feedback from trusted friends or family.
Holiday Hazard #6: Comparing to the Past
Focusing on creating new holiday traditions and norms for yourself rather than focusing on what happened in the past is helpful in navigating the holidays after divorce.
We often hold high expectations of the holiday season, fueled by cultural, societal, and personal memories.
We when have an image of what the holidays are “supposed” to be like based on memories from our previous holiday experience, it can be particularly painful to accept a new reality. If the holidays this year are going to look different for you, such as your kids spending the holiday with your ex, or adjusting to a new home, don’t be surprised if you face some uncomfortable feelings and thoughts.
It can be easy to find yourself ruminating on thoughts about what the holidays “should” be like because that is what it used to be, even if this is not realistic.
Therapist Tip:
The holiday may not look like what it did in the past, but you can create some new and unique holiday traditions for yourself that can bring you joy. If there are certain days during the holiday season you are dreading or struggling with negative ruminations, be proactive in making plans for yourself to be in an environment or with people that will put you in a better headspace.
For some people this means getting out of town and traveling somewhere new, for others this might mean reaching out to friends and family to inquire about joining in on their festivities as to not be alone.
Or try some gratitude journaling to refocus the narrative in your head. Check out my full blog post on this topic: Gratitude Journals That Work (Even when life sucks!).
Therapist for Breakup and Divorce Recovery
I hope this article gives you some guidance on how to navigate the holiday season.
Looking for more support?
If you are ready to find a new path forward towards a peaceful and purposeful life, I am here to help you with online divorce counseling offered to anyone residing in California and in-person divorce counseling in Santa Rosa and Sonoma County.
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Angela Sitka is a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist with private practice based out of Santa Rosa, CA and online throughout state of California. She specializes in individual therapy for women dealing with breakups, divorce and toxic relationships.