PsychCentral Feature: Signs Someone Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries and What to Do
In another collaboration I recently did with PsychCentral, we cover a topic that is key to any type of healthy relationship: boundaries. I wanted to expand on my thoughts here as there is so much to say on this topic. I often work with my clients who struggle with understanding what boundaries are and why they are so important in their relationships.
What are boundaries?
I’ll start with my working definition of boundaries. A boundary is a personal standard that describes how we need to be treated in our relationships for them to function in a healthy way given our past histories, trauma, personality, values, and needs (emotional, physical, spiritual).
In a way it’s a technique in self-preservation and self-wisdom; knowing where you can be flexible in a relationship and where you need to draw the line to protect your well-being.
Sometimes this gets confused for making a request of someone else in how you want them to treat you. Note the difference: a personal request is typically a verbal expression asserting what behaviors you want or don’t want from another person in a clear way so that they have the opportunity to act in ways that respect your boundaries.
I think of boundaries as the commitment we make to take care of our own needs while interacting in our relationships (remember that you are the only one responsible for taking care of yourself!).
We respect that personal commitment by taking action to address any violation of our personal standards in that relationship when our well-being is at risk. In a way it’s a technique in self-preservation and self-wisdom; knowing where you can be flexible in a relationship and where you need to draw the line to protect your well-being.
Top 5 Ways your Boundaries will be Tested by Others:
One of the key issues I covered in this article is red flags for “boundary violations.” I prefer to describe these as ways someone might not respect your personal request to them about your boundary.
Remember, the only person who can “violate” your boundary is you— you are responsible for taking care of yourself when someone is not able to act in ways that you feel are respectful and safe to your well-being.
Here are the ones I covered in the article and a few additional ones:
You have to set your request over and over again
You shouldn’t have to repeat what your personal standard is for the relationship again and again, as long as you have stated it clearly and explicitly to the other person.
They minimize or mock your requests.
If the person’s judgmental response has you questioning if your boundary is valid or legitimate, this is a red flag for they don’t respect your request.
Stonewalling:
Giving you the silent treatment or completely ignoring you after you have expressed what your boundary is and how you are planning on acting on it.
Labile and dramatic emotional expression when faced with your boundary.
For instance, instantly sobbing, yelling in rage, etc. when you remind them of your boundary or when you take action to protect your boundary.
Gaslighting.
This includes any type of manipulation by another to make you question your reality or experience as legitimate.
What to do when your personal request about your boundary is violated or disrespected?
Recognizing that someone is not respectful of your standards for them in your relationship is only step one. What you do next is the hard part.
I cover the DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) strategy of DEARMAN to help firmly state and set your boundaries through clear verbal communication.
Read the full article in PsychCentral: 7 Signs Someone Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries and What to Do.
Most of us need more direct help and support when confronting boundary violations within our close relationships. It’s one thing to know what a boundary violation is and how to respond, but actually doing it is a whole other challenge.
Therapy for Boundary Violations and Stressful Relationships in Santa Rosa and CA
If you are finding yourself in patterns of relationships that you feel uncared for, devalued, or disrespected, you are not alone.
This is where I help- I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in all things related to relationships (and boundaries)!
Check out how I help change this pattern so that you can finally say goodbye to relationship anxiety and find healthy, fulfilling, happy, and satisfying connections with others.
If you need extra support setting and supporting your boundaries, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation for therapy in Santa Rosa, Sonoma County and online in California.
Angela Sitka, LMFT is a therapist based in Santa Rosa, CA with a private practice specializing in adult’s relationship issues, including relationship anxiety, men’s issues, divorce and breakup counseling.