Signs Someone Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries and What to Do— Guidance from a Therapist
What are boundaries?
I’ll start with my working definition of boundaries. A boundary is a personal standard that describes how we need to be treated in our relationships for them to function in a healthy way given our past histories, trauma, personality, values, and needs (emotional, physical, spiritual).
In a way it’s a technique in self-preservation and self-wisdom; knowing where you can be flexible in a relationship and where you need to draw the line to protect your well-being.
Sometimes this gets confused for making a request of someone else in how you want them to treat you. Note the difference: a personal request is typically a verbal expression asserting what behaviors you want or don’t want from another person in a clear way so that they have the opportunity to act in ways that respect your boundaries.
I think of boundaries as the commitment we make to take care of our own needs while interacting in our relationships (remember that you are the only one responsible for taking care of yourself!)
We respect that personal commitment by taking action to address any violation of our personal standards in that relationship when our well-being is at risk. In a way it’s a technique in self-preservation and self-wisdom; knowing where you can be flexible in a relationship and where you need to draw the line to protect your well-being.
Top 5 Signs your Boundaries are being Tested by Others:
Remember, the only person who can “violate” your boundary is you— you are responsible for taking care of yourself when someone is not able to act in ways that you feel are respectful and safe to your well-being.
You have to set your request over and over again
You shouldn’t have to repeat what your personal standard is for the relationship again and again, as long as you have stated it clearly and explicitly to the other person.
They minimize or mock your requests.
If the person’s judgmental response has you questioning if your boundary is valid or legitimate, this is a red flag for they don’t respect your request.
Stonewalling:
Giving you the silent treatment or completely ignoring you after you have expressed what your boundary is and how you are planning on acting on it.
Labile and dramatic emotional expression when faced with your boundary.
For instance, instantly sobbing, yelling in rage, etc. when you remind them of your boundary or when you take action to protect your boundary.
Gaslighting.
This includes any type of manipulation by another to make you question your reality or experience as legitimate.
What to do when your personal request about your boundary is violated or disrespected?
You have a few options if someone does not respect your boundaries:
Option 1: Cutting Ties with the Person
If the idea of removing this person from your life brings you relief, that is a valid and reasonable choice. This may apply to newer friendships or romantic relationships where repeated boundary violations signal a red flag to not go further in developing the relationship.
Option 2: Limiting Contact and Adjusting Interactions
For some relationships—such as parents, siblings, colleagues, or long-term close friendships, cutting ties may not be practical or an option you would even consider contemplating. Instead, you might limit interactions to situations where boundary violations are less likely.
For example:
If your mother tends to drink too much when you visit her at home, leading you to take on a caretaking role, consider meeting her in a neutral, public setting that does not foster a drinking environment, such as a breakfast or walk in the park.
Option 3: Accept the reality of the relationship and modify boundary
Sometimes we know from a long history and pattern of this person’s behavior, that our boundary requests of them may never change their behavior. If that’s the case, and you want to keep them in your life, you might try asking yourself- how can you make peace of this reality? Is this a boundary you are willing to modify in order to keep the relationship- if so, what would the new boundary look like?
Should You End a Relationship Over Boundary Violations?
Before making a final decision, ask yourself:
Did I clearly and explicitly state my boundary and the expected behavior?
What seems like a blatant boundary violation may actually be a misunderstanding. If your boundary wasn’t stated clearly, there’s room to clarify before making a final decision.
Sometimes we may think we expressed the boundary clearly to the person we are in a relationship with, but it may still be vague or misinterpreted by the person on the receiving end.
One way to ensure your boundary is clearly verbalized is using the acronym DEARMAN which is based in a type of therapy called DBT, or Dialectical and Behavioral Therapy.
How distressing is this boundary violation on a scale from 1-10?
Be honest with yourself, how tolerable is it for you to be on the receiving end of this person’s behavior? Sometimes our boundaries and requests of others can become too rigid, which may be related to our own internalized feelings of unsafety or protecting ego than it is about the actual boundary.
If you suspect this is the case for you, try reading my blog post: Are my boundaries too much? How to know what you can ask for
What are the consequences (both good and bad) of ending this relationship?
Have I explored all possible solutions or compromises before considering complete cutoff?
If the person has a pattern of boundary violations with you, expect that it will likely take several different strategies and conversations with the person before you find the correct boundary that works for you. Don’t get discouraged if the first attempt does not result in change.
It takes time to teach others how we want to be treated. If we have spent years in a toxic dynamic, it will likely take some time before the relationship can be restored to a healthier connection without taking so much of our time and energy to establish and maintain the boundary.
Therapy for Boundary Violations and Stressful Relationships in Santa Rosa and CA
If you are finding yourself in patterns of relationships that you feel uncared for, devalued, or disrespected, you are not alone.
This is where I help- I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I specialize in all things related to relationships (and boundaries)!
Check out how I help change this pattern so that you can finally say goodbye to relationship anxiety and find healthy, fulfilling, happy, and satisfying connections with others.
If you need extra support setting and supporting your boundaries, contact me for a free 15-minute consultation for therapy in Santa Rosa, Sonoma County and online in California.
Angela Sitka, LMFT is a therapist based in Santa Rosa, CA with a private practice specializing in adult’s relationship issues, including relationship anxiety, men’s issues, divorce and breakup counseling.