Toxic Relationships Therapist Answers, “Am I being emotionally manipulated by my partner?”
Always questioning yourself in your relationship? Don’t all relationships have problems? Am I over-reacting? Was I too sensitive? Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in toxic relationships in Sonoma County answers the 3 most common questions about emotional manipulation in romantic relationships:
What is emotional manipulation in romantic relationships?
Emotional manipulation is the controlling technique used to emote particular feelings in another, such as guilt or shame, with intention to derive a certain response from that individual. It’s a subtle type of bullying through communication that holds deep power and control over another individual.
How Will I Know I’m Being Emotionally Manipulated?
The person on the receiving end of the emotional manipulation might feel a sense of unease and hypervigilance around the individual trying to control them emotionally. There’s usually a sense of “walking on eggshells,” resentment, frustration, and feeling stuck in your interactions with this individual.
There are many different types and ways of being emotionally manipulated, but here are some of the common ones I hear about in my therapy practice in Santa Rosa:
1. Communication is phrased in a manner that discourages disagreement or an alternate perspective.
"You didn't actually want to go to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner, right? Your family is completely crazy, they don’t care about you anyway."
“I assumed you would agree with me. I didn’t even think to ask you because it was the only choice a logical person would make.”
2. Distracting from addressing your questions, desires, and needs by delaying, ignoring or giving you the silent treatment.
“I don’t have time to discuss another one of your stupid insecurities with you. I am busy trying to make money to support you.”
Refusing to discuss issues by leaving, not responding to calls/texts for long periods of time, or always being preoccupied with other activities to avoid conversations.
3. Expressing emotional instability to keep another from setting boundaries or differentiating from the relational dynamic.
“If you leave me, I will have no reason to live anymore.”
“Why would you want to spend time with your friends? If you truly loved me, you would only want to be with me tonight. I am your priority, right?”
4. Insults, criticism, and gaslighting.
“You are acting crazy. I can’t believe you would even ask me that!
“You are not thinking straight right now. Just chill.”
“You’re just too jealous, you really need to trust me more. You're the only woman that has issues with their boyfriend going out with their guys for a night of fun.”
Why does my partner use emotional manipulation with me?
People utilize emotional manipulation because it is a powerful, controlling technique within relationships. There are many reasons a person might want to feel in control of another, usually due to the person being deeply insecure, emotionally unavailable or emotionally disconnected.
This of course does not excuse the horrible treatment of a loved one. But it can be helpful to understand the roots of this behavior as you navigate these types of relational dynamics when you are on the receiving end (this is why therapy can be so helpful!
Fear of abandonment, embarrassment, or shame are often a core motivation for an emotional manipulator.
While not everyone who uses emotional manipulation has a personality disorder (we all are guilty of using emotional manipulation occasionally), people with personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder use emotional manipulation as their primary relationship tool in interacting with a partner.
People with these types of personality disorders have insecurities, including fear of rejection, that fuel them to proactively put people down or elicit strong emotional reactions from the people around them to protect themselves from rejection, shame, or emotional vulnerability.
Individuals who utilize emotional manipulation often have low self-esteem, so they can project a confident, false self to others that exudes confidence and control to shield from their wounded internal selves (Narcissism Personality Disorder). Or on the contrary, project a weak, unstable, and dependent persona (more in line with Borderline Personality Disorder) in order to get more attention and keep the person emotionally tied to them.
It can be utterly confusing to be on the receiving end of this type of behavior, that is why it is important to notice patterns in their behaviors over time to see if you find evidence they are emotionally manipulating you (often with the help of a therapist).
Therapy in Santa Rosa and Online in California for emotional manipulation and toxic relationships
Angela Sitka, LMFT, licensed therapist specializes in individual therapy for women facing issues of relationship anxiety, codependency, breakup / divorce recovery and life transitions. Her private practice is based in Santa Rosa, CA.
I hope this gave you a better understanding of emotional manipulation. Over a sustained period of time, being on the receiving end of emotional manipulation can lead to codependency, low self-esteem, and lowered sense of autonomy.
Being in a toxic relationship is no easy thing to navigate on your own. But there is help.
I am a Santa Rosa therapist who specializes in this type of therapeutic work with women so you can finally be in a relationship where your needs matter too! This is my passion and I am here to help with online counseling offered to anyone residing in California and in-person counseling for Sonoma County.
Skip the phone tag and schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation into my online calendar here!
You get to pick your time and get confirmation I will call you at that time. We talk for 15 minutes and decide if I might be a good fit. No pressure, just information and support.