Am I in a Codependent Relationship? Signs of lost identity according to a therapist
Codependency: where do you end and I begin?
As a therapist with a private practice in Santa Rosa specializing in relationship anxiety, many of the individuals I work with find themselves in a dynamic that might be defined as codependent.
The way I define codependency for my clients is losing your own identity in relationships. It’s when you forgot what you like, want, and need in order to meet your partner’s likes, wants, and needs.
It can be incredibly disorienting and confusing to experience this type of relational dynamic.
Why is it so hard for people in codependent relationships to recognize it?
This codependent dynamic between the two individuals often develops unconsciously. You may feel quite resentful of your role of “caretaker” or “fixer” for wounded people, but if there is a pattern of getting involved in these types of relationship occurring, you may want to take a closer look.
It’s likely there is a secondary gain to this type of relationship for you. These often stem from our developmental attachment styles or sometimes past unresolved trauma.
It’s a hard truth to look at, but here are some common signs to recognize if you or a loved one is in a codependent relationship. And answer to the common question: what is driving this unhealthy dynamic? Perspectives of a clinical mental health therapist who specializes in relationship anxiety in Sonoma County.
Top Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship
1. You find yourself looking to fix your partner.
Are you working harder to fix your partner’s problems than your partner is? Do you often find yourself in relationships with people who need to be “fixed” or need healing of some sort?
People stuck in a codependent dynamic often spend much time and energy analyzing their partner’s problems, childhood trauma, triggers for unhealthy behaviors, attachment patterns, their internal psychology, etc. You might be even researching psychology articles to figure out how to fix your partner’s problems.
When the focus on finding the perfect help for your partner, despite your partner’s interest or engagement in these resources, can sometimes be a behavior of codependency.
Have you assumed your partner wants this help, even if they haven’t asked for it?
I often hear my clients say something along the lines of, “He would be the perfect partner if he just fixed…”
Unfortunately, there is no number of hours, research, and analysis you can do that will improve your partner’s problems if they don’t engage with the help. Keep in mind, if the comfort of the relationship does not create friction for the individual with the problem because the giver is enabling them, they are less likely to seek and accept this help.
What’s the alternative? Creating firm boundaries in your relationship to allow natural consequences of your partner's behavior to help them feel the impact of their actions and desire change. I know it can feel mean, cruel, or insensitive to do so, but it is truly the best way for both you and your partner to get healthier.
This is where a therapist can be extremely helpful in clarifying the boundaries you set and how to manage the responses to these boundaries.
2. You’re Isolated
Does the network of support for your partner’s issues begin and end with you? Are friends and family expressing they are worried about you? If you find yourself isolating from others and declining outside help, this is a red flag for an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Why take on this responsibility of being the sole person your partner relies on? Well, usually there is a real fear of not being needed by your partner anymore.
If the “problem” is the glue that keeps you two together, what happens when the problem is no longer there?
You might find yourself experiencing strong emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, or irritability if the fragile balance of the current dynamic with your partner is threatened by offers of help from others.
Sometimes it feels amazing to be needed, that is a normal and natural human response. But if that becomes core to not only your role in your relationship, but your role as a person separate from your partner, that might raise some red flags for an unhealthy dynamic.
If you are no longer needed to be the primary caregiver, what would your new identity be?
3. You’re making excuses to hide the truth of the relationship
Feeling so overwhelmed keeping your relationship afloat that you don’t have time for your own responsibilities, needs and self-care? This is a red flag for codependency.
Be mindful if you are finding yourself making excuses for ignoring your own needs, self-care, and personal development.
In a codependent relationship, it’s common to make a lot of sacrifices in energy, time, and resources in dedication for caring for a partner’s problems.
It’s important you try to be really honest with yourself about the reasons you have declined or ignored your own wants and needs.
“I don’t have time to take that art class, I’ll wait until it’s offered at a different time.” (OR you know deep down if you leave your partner home alone while you take a class they will likely drink and get agitated with you when you return home).
“My income is so low compared to my partners’, so why apply for other jobs I like better? My value is to be at home.” (OR if you advanced your career, you’d have less time to take care your partner during their deep depression states).
Making excuses keeps you distanced from acknowledging the real reasons you are not seeking change for yourself. Being honest is hard but important and is the only way to make real change.
Ready for more support? Therapy for Codependency
Angela Sitka, LMFT, is a licensed therapist with a private practice in Santa Rosa specializing in individual therapy for women struggling in relationship anxiety, breakups, divorce recovery and life transitions.
It can be an excruciating painful reality to face when you have a dynamic of codependency with your partner.
But there is help. I am a Santa Rosa therapist who specializes in this type of therapeutic work with adults so you can finally be in a relationship where your needs matter too! This is my passion and I am here to help with online counseling offered to anyone residing in California and in-person counseling for Sonoma County.
Skip the phone tag and schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation into my online calendar here!
You get to pick your time and get confirmation I will call you at that time. We talk for 15 minutes and decide if I might be a good fit. No pressure, just information and support.