Grieving “Wasted Years” After Divorce and Breakups: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself & Move on
As a divorce and breakup therapist, a common theme that comes up for many of my clients is grief over lost time that was spent in the relationship. Major relationship disruptions, like breakups, divorce and separations go hand-in-hand with reflecting on the past and may bring up feelings of regret or sadness about the time spent in a relationship that has now ended.
I often hear my clients say things like,
“I can’t believe I spent a whole 10 years depressed in my loveless marriage, what a waste! I should have never spent so long trying to save my marriage, I should have known better and left a lot sooner. I missed out on so much while I was stuck in this relationship.”
In retrospect it can feel like this phase of life was a “waste” because the time, energy, resources, and emotion were put into a relationship that has ended.
Reflecting after a breakup is not only normal, but healthy and healing
Anytime we transition from an old phase to a new one, it is natural to reflect on the past. This grief over lost time can be compounded when someone hits a new phase in their life, such as a big birthday entering a new decade of life, new health problems, family estrangements, or changing careers.
With the new knowledge, wisdom, and lessons we have learned along the way, it's easy to judge our past phase of life in a negative way.
Grief over time loss might start with self-criticism, such as thinking, “I should have known better,” or “Why didn’t I leave sooner?” or “I should have made better choices.”
You might also notice:
Being easily frustrated with yourself and others.
Trying to identify a person or situation to place blame on.
Daydreaming about making different decisions or having different opportunities available to you.
Tightening in your chest, or a deep pit in the bottom of your stomach when you are reminded of the past.
Trying to distract from the feelings and thoughts of regret
What can I do to move on from grief over lost time after a divorce or breakup?
As a therapist specializing in this type of suffering, I help my clients develop an appreciation for the lessons they have learned from the past phase of life and the value it provided them at that time.
Reframing is looking at the situation with a different lens, or perspective. This can be tough to do when you are already feeling quite negative about the past. Try asking yourself a few questions to see if there are areas for reframe:
What do my emotions about this “lost time” tell me about what I really care about, or need to face up to, or need to do differently?
What wisdom or lessons did I learn from this past phase of life that I want to take forward with me into my future life?
What context about the previous phase of life am I ignoring or minimizing when I am judging the past time as “wasted”? (such as illness/health issues, life responsibilities, trauma, lack of family/social support, lack of education/knowledge, etc.)
What is one positive thing I can remember about this previous phase of life?
What are 3 action steps I can take to ensure I take advantage of this next phase of life utilizing the new skills and knowledge I have?
For instance, a way to reframe, “I can’t believe I spent a whole 10 years depressed in my loveless marriage, what a waste! I should have never spent so long trying to save my marriage, I should have known better and left a lot sooner.”
Reframe: “I truly gave my all to make my marriage work and can be proud of my resolve. I had believed that my marriage could be worked out and made the best decisions I could based upon the information I had at the time. I have learned a lot from the past marriage as to what I want and need from a future partner, and I will take that wisdom forward with me as I begin this new phase of life.”
When it’s time to seek help from a divorce or breakup therapist?
When ruminations about the “lost time” occupy the majority of your thoughts in your daily life, it is time to reach out for professional help.
Our brains are hardwired to analyze our past decisions and identify situations that have caused us pain so that we can protect ourselves from future pain and danger. So, ruminating about the past is not abnormal, but it can become dysfunctional when we no longer can be fully present in our current lives.
At a certain point, we have learned the lessons of the past, and there are no more new insights to glean in another sleepless night beating yourself up about what you should have done differently. This is where a trained therapist can be extremely helpful.
Get Connected with a Breakup and Divorce Therapist
Angela Sitka, MA, LMFT, is a licensed therapist with a private practice in Santa Rosa, California. She specializes in all types of relationship turmoil and change, including breakups, divorce, toxic relationships, and family estrangement.
If you, or a loved one is struggling with a difficult breakup, separation, divorce or other major relationship disruption, there is help.
I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice based in Santa Rosa, CA but provide therapy virtually to individuals all over California.
I take a different therapeutic approach to recover from breakups, based on a therapy modality called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
I help get you unstuck, deal with the anxiety, anger and overwhelm, and take steps forward in your new life.
Contact me to schedule a free consultation so we can chat about what’s going on and how I can help.